Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Nart is an aquired taste, kind of like seeweed and also kind of like 3 r's of feeling. At first glance one might feel feelings of repulsion feelings, rebelion feelings, and radicalness feelings, but if you force yourself to eat it enough times, then wait a few years, then your brain says to you, "hey I remember that stuff!" and before it can say "It was really disgusting" (or to use on of our motif feelings "repulsive") it is in your mouth and you are tricked into thinking you are eating memories.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just trying to relive my bleeding skull robot + Aliens vs Predator middle school study hall drawing days. Every time I find a good piece of nart it takes me back to those golden years. I can still hear the jocks, " dude can you draw me a skull with awesome snakes going through the eyes? Sweetness, now turn it into a cobra" - got to get those fangs just right!
But enough of my past, now let us look to the future portrayed here in all it's glory.
Sure we started occupying Nippon back after WWII, so this fight isn't likely to happen anytime soon. But someday our government is going to realize that it would be way cooler than WWII if we could have planepeople soldiers dog fighting and kunfu fighting at the same time. That could really get the ratings up for CNN.
The only thing is, the American version puts in a useless head with cool hair. Too much fluff if you ask me the Japanese have got it right with the propeller instead of hair.
Sure you might be thinking that Jpop's skinny wings wouldn't stand a chance against Amerible Hulk's propeller arm, but lets walk through this fight step by step...
1. Amerible Hulk smacks Jpop with his prop arm
2. Jpop loses a chunk of arm or leg or something
3. Amerible Hulk's propeller doesn't work after it gets all bent up
4. Amerible HUlk: " aggggghhahghhghghghhhhh h h h h h h "...
Meanwhile Jpop shifts his weight a bit to compensate for his torn cargo pants and flys on home with that propeller head of his.
We are so totally dead...
Diving Into Oblivion
If you were a cyborg fire demon (and if you had upside down wings), and you had just given some little imps a magical potion, the next thing you would do is dive into the beautiful sunset.
Now let us explore below the surface of this colorful work of nart, after all to find answers one must ask questions. And just to understand the nasterpiece a little better, let's chose a character's perspective from which to ponder this painting.
I choose, the diver.
Q1: Why did I give these little guys my potion.
Q2: Why are my wings on upside down?
Q3: Where is my brain?
Q4: Where am I going?
A1: 255,0,255 just doesn't go too well with 255,0-255,0
A2: See A3.
A3: Obviously it is gone.
A4: The posture would indicate some kind of liquid that I am intending to enter, but none is visible from the view angle the painter chose, forcing me to make you, the viewer, believe in water, or lava, (since I am a fire demon, I can probably swim in fire). Do you believe me, do you believe there is there a good swimming hole somewhere in that vast expanse of super dodged sunset? Do you believe my thighs as they bend in anticipation of my lava's leap? If not look again and remember that my thighs are very spike covered and awesome.
Now do you believe me?
That's what I thought.
A4 - version b: I am just petting this mountain here, don't mind my pose.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
In the spirit of full disclosure, before I review my latest find, I need to share a traumatic childhood experience that still haunts me to this day...
One day I went to the mall and bought this awesome Iron Man toy. It was red and yellow, and it had cool muscles. Then I took it to a neighborhood party, and dropped it into someone's goldfish pond, and the pond was really yucky, so I never found it, and I was sad.
I've never forgotten how much I loved Iron Man, and how much he hurt me when he left my life forever.
I have a slightly jaded perspective when it comes to Iron Man.
Over my short career as a nart collector, I have noticed a trend involving super cool summer movies. Whenever a comic book movie comes out, the nart concentration for the characters doubles, triples, and dare I say in some rare cases quadruples on the blogs and forums. So in a bit of an unconventional post, I would like to take this fine opportunity to review the movie "Iron Man" while treating you to my favorite nasterpieces involving the same.
For starters, just to give you an idea of how cool this movie is, let's illustrate the coolness level with this simple graph:
Monday, April 07, 2008
Finally after eons of waiting here is the long awaited and much anticipated original posting of my very first personal piece of fan art. It is gracing my desktop right now, and even though Udon doesn't want us to post these until the book comes out, I figure I get about 5 (hi Shane) visitors a month here, so it should be safe in the narchives of desktoporama.
And to celebrate my getting into the Udon fan art book, I am posting a few pieces of Street Fighter Nart from the narchives.
"What does Evil Ryu look like, when he is in the middle of a fight, and then all of the sudden he really, I mean really gots ta GO?"
I mean sure this guy is kind of in that demon / evil mode, but hey he's still gotta use the jon sometimes, so this question needs to be answered. I think he probably uses Bridie's stage from SFAII.
The next question that would really help Udon sell some pages is this:
"What does Akuma do when he gets that feeling in the middle of a fight"
You know like that, "I wish I had some Immodium AD" feeling? Well it's probably not gonna be pretty with that powder blue costume, I can tell you that! He's probably wishing he had worn his normal dark grey karate pants. It's really gonna tarnish his image, cause man, powder blue and chocolate brown don't go together.
And for our last comic peddling plot line we explore the oddity of Zangief's muscles. He just keeps getting bigger and stranger with each itt of Street Fighter. So the question here is:
"What is Zangief going to look like in SF V after he's had some work done?"
Apparently, by that age his thighs are gonna be pretty saggy, and when you are a grappler in a game where everyone but you can throw fireballs and you are already "challenged" jump-wise in your first appearence, well the botox thighs for version 5 start to make sense.
And I think he's been doing that same, "I bet I can touch my lips to the bottom of my nose, and make one eye really big and crazy" face since SFII.
As long as botox thighs are in, lets go for a few pec implants too. Gotta make up for that hair loss and ambiguous belly definition. We'll miss the mohawk though, we'll miss it.
PS, I still remember your dance with Gorby in SFII, I loved that man...
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
At first the narrative is confusing and any attempt to interpret the scene raises more questions than answers. Why are these rubber-suit monsters burning the family car? Why are the children standing there watching them instead of running away? Are the monsters their friends? What happened to the driver(s) / parents?
But before we can attempt to address any of these inquiries with confidence, we must ponder the title of the piece, "Sunday Drive".
Ponder with me for a moment...
Have we reached the same conclusion? No doubt. Simple logic leads us to the answer behind this enigmatic scene of despair. What is the most significant element of the deftly chosen title? Would you choose "Sunday" as the dominant principle, or "Drive"? Clearly days of the week are more important than any one vehicle or a ride in a vehicle, so "Sunday" is the dominant theme here.
And what should we do on Sundays? Go for pleasure rides in fancy cars in the middle of the desert? NO! We should be at Church and be spending time at home with our families! Given this tasty treat of lovely logic, the narrative puzzle starts to take form. Obviously these little kids went out on a joy ride when they should be at church, so some fire demons showed up to teach them a lesson, but just as hope might leave us there is one last shimmering possibility in the resigned and mature pose of the children.
"Why aren't you at church demons guys?" they might ask, but the demons have lots of jaw thingies and probably can't talk without blowing stuff up.
So they admit they've been bad, and they accept their loss, and hope for a better day where they can drive freely without fire demons burning their car.
So in my closing conclusion at the end of this review, if I had to summarize the message in fewer words it would be, "That's why you never go for joy rides on Sunday kids, because fire demons will blow up your car".
Friday, August 03, 2007
IN THE FUTURE, WE WILL WEAR METAL UNDERWEAR
This piece exemplifies the quintessential sci-fi nart work. Like so many nasterpieces it is the content more than the quality that earn this baby a place in the nart halls of desktoporama fame.
It also betrays many secrets of our super shiny tech savy future.
In the future we will all wear metal underwear, except for the really unusual aliens which will wear metal shoulder pads with no underwear at all. Because metal underwear is really heavy, metal suspenders will not be uncommon.
Another observation of note is that the metal underwear will often be worn on the outside of our skin tight jumpsuits.
PS all aliens reguardless of their anti-human anatomy will have totally ripped abs and pecs, because all nart-worthy sci-fi characters have pecs and abs.