Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I'll NEVER FORGET YOU... Iron , man...

In the spirit of full disclosure, before I review my latest find, I need to share a traumatic childhood experience that still haunts me to this day...

One day I went to the mall and bought this awesome Iron Man toy. It was red and yellow, and it had cool muscles. Then I took it to a neighborhood party, and dropped it into someone's goldfish pond, and the pond was really yucky, so I never found it, and I was sad.

I've never forgotten how much I loved Iron Man, and how much he hurt me when he left my life forever.

I have a slightly jaded perspective when it comes to Iron Man.


Over my short career as a nart collector, I have noticed a trend involving super cool summer movies. Whenever a comic book movie comes out, the nart concentration for the characters doubles, triples, and dare I say in some rare cases quadruples on the blogs and forums. So in a bit of an unconventional post, I would like to take this fine opportunity to review the movie "Iron Man" while treating you to my favorite nasterpieces involving the same.

For starters, just to give you an idea of how cool this movie is, let's illustrate the coolness level with this simple graph:

As is common with many promising super hero movies, Iron man tanks at the end with lines like, "I'm really strong and I'm going to hit you Iron Man!" and "I feel so powerful!".
It is my theory that the writing team for comic book movies follows a similar strategy to a college football team. IE if you are doing really well about 3/4 of the way through the game, it's time to give those 2nd and 3rd string guys a chance to play. I think the Iron Man team had a pretty deep bench, cause man, the writing really takes a nose dive about 3/4 of the way through (see awesome graph above). Clearly Iron Man even decsends into "The Real Ghostbusters" cartoon territory.
On the positive side though, after watching Iron Man, I added a lot of things to my "if I ever decide to be a super hero" list of do's and do not's.
If I ever make a killer super robot suit to take over the world, I will definately remember the sound system that makes my voice sound really reverbalicious and sub woofery, plus I will make sure and have the guys who make the helmet put on mean eyes (slanted down toward the middle), and maybe some cool vents where the mouth should be. That suit will totally rock man!
The other thing I will do is make the suit really, really invincible, by making it out of something like Iron (you know like Tank armor!) That way when I get hit by missiles, and anti tank rounds etc... and such it will just make me not get hurt at all. Don't let the bad guy grab your face plate though, cause his hands will be so strong the can crush it like tin foil.
Also I will make sure and go to the bathroom before I put the suit on, cause man, if you need a super cool high tech robot just to help you put your super cool robot suit on, What happens if you run out of gas and you have to make a pit stop? One mistake and there goes your image. I mean what bad guy is going to be afraid of a super hero that looses control in his metal underwear?
On second thought I think a bionic colostomy bag is a must if you go the whole cyborg suit route.


Finally I will spend a little more time on my dramatic poses, cause Iron Man still has a few akward moments, especially the very feminine, "I'm about to land" pose pictured here.

Someday I will go on Ebay and get me another one of those Marvel Iron Man toys from the 80's, and then I will steer clear of any goldfish ponds while playing with it.


S.T. Lewis said...

I haven't seen the movie yet, but I love your review, man. Your blog is the best. Having "The Real Ghostbusters" on your coolness meter is classic. Are those sweat drops shooting off of Iron Man's brow in that "nice pose" drawing? Sweet! You're an entertaining fellow. Thanks for the laughs.

Scott said...

So what's up with using the name S.T. Lewis? It makes you sound so writerly. Maybe I should start going by S.C. Stoddard...